12th November 2017

Dear Self,

4 days na lang, darating na siya, or so he said.  Ilang away, iyak, pagpapasalamat at pagkukumbinse din ang nangyari bago nya sinabing, oo, pupunta ako.  Pero ilang pangako din ang hindi natupad.  Dahil, hindi daw kaya, kahit na alam nya kung gaano kaimportante sa yo ang mga araw na yun.

Madaming beses sa isang araw ka nagtatanong kung bakit.  Yung pinakamalalapit na kaibigan at kapamilya mo napagod na rin magbigay ng payo kasi ang tigas tigas tigas ng ulo mo.  Kaya sinasarili mo na lang ang lungkot at awa sa sarili mo sa mga panahong ganito - yung pinangako nya ang libreng araw para sa yo at nabigyan mo na sya ng halos 10 oras para magpahinga.  Lampas alas-9 na, at alam nyang may pasok ka pa bukas, pero hanggang ngayon wala pa din.  Iyak na lang.  Sa loob.  Bawal makita ng iba kasi di hamak na galit na naman ang aabutin mo.  Ayaw mo magmukhang tanga sa harap nila kahit na alam mo, bilang matalinong babae, na ang tanga mo na.  You deserve better.  Pero eto, isang message lang sa viber na "hi", tiklop ka na.  Mahal mo eh.  Dahil lubos din ang saya mo pag napaglalaanan ka nya ng oras.

Dasal ka ng dasal kanina sa simbahan, na sana ituro ka ng Diyos sa tamang daan.  Hirap na.  Gusto mo na din sumuko.  Kinasal si Anne at Erwan kanina, at sa loob loob mo, sana maramdaman ko yung ganung klaseng pagmamahal mula kay J5.  Yung di mo kelangan ipilit, hingin, ipagpalimos.

Pagod na ang puso, ayaw sumuko pero pagod na pagod na.

Dear J5,

Today, I thought of you at work.
People were talking about their wives, husbands, partners, children - the one I would have been excited to think about accomplishing with you.

Pero wala eh.  Iniwanan mo ako.  Anong nangyari sa "Walang iwanan"?  Bakit hindi mo ako pinaglaban?  Bakit hindi mo ako nakayang piliin at ipaglaban tulad ng ginawa ko noon para sa yo nung mga panahong sinabi mong wala ng natitira sa 'yo kundi ako?

Masakit pa rin isipin.

Spare tire?  Rebound?  Wag naman sana.

I want to believe that everything about our relationship were true.  That's why I cannot hate you.  That's why I am still waiting for answers.

Love,

A5

Dear J5,

August 1 na pala.  Kung tayo pa ngayon, malamang excited na tayong magcount down.  Dapat malapit na tayong magkita.  Mahigit isang taon din tayo naghintay.

Sayang mahal.

Love,

A5

Dear J5,

"I never thought you'd let me walk away that easily without any real attempt to work things out.  There was no screaming, no fighting and no real emotion on your part.  I think I imagined those tears in your eyes.  They didn't glisten like the ones that fell from mine.  I thought you would see how wrong you were.  I thought that you would miss me - my laugh, my imagination and my love.  How could you not miss me?  I took the best parts of you and washed away the worst.  I pretended you were this perfect specimen, someone who had no faults and did no wrong.  Maybe I imagined the whole thing.  I never wanted to be the tragic person who has been broken by a lover.  But when I let you in I opened myself up to hurt.  And I'm not ashamed to have loved you that much.  How naive and sweet I used to be.  If you ever pass by this way to see how I am doing.  If you stop by to read my thoughts and my words, know that life is full of moments and you had me, for a moment.  But then you let me go.  And that regret is yours to carry." - so she tells you, the regret you will feel


Love,

A5

Dear J5,

I still wake up around 4:00 am, without any alarm.

I still check my phone for anything from you.

I miss having to wake up to your voice, and feeling that everything is going to be alright today.


Love,

A5

Dear J5,


This view from our balcony is very special to me.  It was a witness to the milestones in our relationship, and most of them were the moments my heart was at its happiest.

It was here that I decided to choose you.  Amidst the difficulties and complications.  It was here that I weighed things, and decided that I am choosing a partner who is honest.  I committed to you.

It was here that I saw fireworks on New Year's and Christmas when you were always the first one to call me.

It was here that I prayed to God to let my parents accept you.  It was here that I called you to say that I have already told my parents everything, and they said that they will accept whoever I will love.  You screamed out of joy, and we almost cried together.

It was here that I look out to some nights, talking to you, thanking the Lord for giving someone like you in my life.  We prayed together once, while I was looking up to the beautiful and clear night sky.

And tonight, it was the first time that I looked at this view with sadness.  I whispered a prayer for acceptance and strength.  I lost you, the love of my life, 12 days ago, and all the beautiful dreams that we had for ourselves, our family, our children.

I still ask why.



Love,

A5

Dear J5,

12th day today
2nd Sunday that we are not together

Sunday used to be our sacred day - as has every morning been a sacred time of every day.

There will be less than a thousand Sundays in my lifetime and mornings will be finite.
I will be able to manage this.


Love,

A5