Dear J5,
Today, I defied the advice of the people who love me.
1. Hate you
2. Stop all communications with you
Today is the 28th.
October 28, 2015 was the first day that we met. I drove to the airport from the hospital, concealing my fat belly in that long casual dress. I was late because the tire got flat. But you waited, and I immediately saw you from afar. You were this man in the blue jacket, with your eyeglasses on, and you were smiling wide but nervously. Like me. My heart was coming out of my chest. I felt relief when our eyes met, as the sense of familiarity dawned upon us. You walked towards my car, gave me a hug, and firmly held my hand. Like you were telling the world that I am yours. And telling me that it's okay. That our unconventional way of meeting and maintenance of our friendship which eventually turned into this beautiful thing, is okay. Because here we are, together finally, in our happily ever after. We found clarity and security in this once unimaginable set-up. I knew right then that you are the man I have fallen in love with. We drove still with our hands together. We stopped by the most important place - the chapel. I did not wish for anything else that night, but I thanked the Lord immensely for the man I was holding hands with. The most meaningful and unforgettable thing that happened then was that before we left the chapel, you stopped me right in front of the Blessed Sacrament. You hugged me tightly and whispered, "Thank you Lord". I cried a bit out of happiness.
Today, you sent me a picture of the plane that you flew in that day, I guess to remind me that today was a special day, a day that we look forward every month. I replied.
"It has been one year and 9 months since October 28, 2015. Thank you for thinking at that time that I was worth to come home to. And though things right now are different, I don't think I will ever forget. I am still grateful for that happy day."
It was the first time that I replied in 10 days. You said you were waiting for me to send a message everyday. And you requested that since it's a special day, if we can text, so we did.
You said, "Kahit anong mangyari, maging tayo man ulit or hindi, you'll be forever in my heart."
....
....
....
"Totoo naman sa puso ko ikaw pa rin, di naman kita pinagpalit" he added later in the conversation
Whatever you said did not really matter so much because I don't know if you meant them. But I had two important questions and one statement that needed to get off my chest.
1. Were you faithful to me all throughout our relationship? You said YES
2. Why did you choose to lose me? "Hindi ko choice na iwan ka, hindi ko gusto na mawala ka"
It did not make any sense but I did not want to argue. I was there with very minimum requirements to save our relationship. You could have done something about it. You could have saved us from all this.
And then I answered, "Pero pakiramdam ko hindi mo ako pinaglaban. Pinabayaan mo lang ako masaktan at mawala."
To which you replied, "Hindi ko masisi ang pakiramdam mo. Kasi alam kong nasaktan kita, pero hindi ko gusto na mawala ka."
And you sent me this you tube link of Nickelback's lyric video of "Far Away".
Ang gusto ay iba sa gawa.
Words are different than actions.
But surprisingly, I felt better afterwards. Not over but better. I wanted to tell you that since we broke up.
I cannot hate you. Even when I can accuse you of infidelity and what not. I love you, I still do. I do not disrespect what we had, because my heart knows that it was true.
But today, I was reminded I was never the choice. You love me but I am not the one you are willing to fight for, take risks with, build your life with. And that...hurts a little too much.
Salamat sa oras.
Mahal pa rin kita.
Love,
A5
